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in the beginning

Like this month’s chapter writer Seth, I was taught the Catholic faith growing up. (well partially). I say partially because my parents were divorced and I was only exposed to Catholic teachings when visiting my father and Italian grandparents on the weekends. Conveniently our visits coincided on Sundays, which meant I spent 50% of my Sundays during childhood in a Catholic Church and/or Sunday bible study classes called CCD. When it became my choice if I wanted to attend these rituals or not, I stopped attending both by the time I was 13. I am 37 now and have participated in little to zero other organized religious services or gatherings outside of weddings and funerals.

Reading the Bible this month, although strange to me, may actually come at a perfect time. As I said in my previous post, my own spiritual growth and exploration has had plenty of time and space to grow in the past six months. I started a meditation practice back in September guided by my first existential chapter writer and have continued the practice at my own pace and with my own agenda.

Here in St. Croix, I have had even more time in a very surreal and existential setting to ponder even more my connections to the environment and the people around me (Chapter 7 and Chapter 8). Thinking about the connections between it all inevitably has led me back to the overall existential questions about God and faith. But I must admit, even just picking up the physical book “The HOLY BIBLE” is giving me flashbacks of being a kid and dreading the oddness and confinement that I felt when attending Sunday mass.

The one thing I probably do agree with from my Catholic teachings is that confessing or being honest about things you’ve been hiding, or holding back can sometimes feel really refreshing. (As long as it is NOT in a small dark closet and to a stranger behind a wooden wall! That is just scarring not sin-relieving) So with my Catholic background in mind let’s start out this month with my top 10 confessions(in no particular order) about my religious experiences now and then.

1) I have never read the Holy Bible: Its true. At least I don’t remember ever reading it. Maybe I read a bit back in CCD bible study classes as a kid but if I did, I blocked this out of my memory. And my only experience with Genesis was rocking out to Phil Collins and Peter Gabriel with my brother in the 80’s. I also blocked out almost everything else about CCD except the fact that I got in trouble for having a Michael Jackson “Thriller” folder (that was considered unholy in my class?)

2) My father had to bribe me with Dunkin Donuts munchkins to sit still in church – this was the real motivation behind my good behavior during church.

3) My brother and I spent our time in Sunday mass gambling. We would bet each other our allowance money on guessing pre-sermon how many times the preacher would say Jesus, Christ, or Holy Spirit. The closest who did not go over won the bet. This took our mind off of the echoing booming voice of the preacher and the somber and serious expressions on everyone’ face in the congregation.

4) I never (until now I just looked it up) knew what my “CCD” class name stood for. Now I know and it creeps me out a bit. Check it out here if you are curious too.

5) Going to Catholic mass always felt like a huge punishment – I dreaded it and was only comforted when I focused on listening to my grandfather playing the organ as he did on particular Sundays. (and of course the idea of donuts afterward)

6) Getting communion freaked me out. I cannot remember how old I was when I had my first communion (ceremony and all). But I do remember having to wear an awful white dress and crying the entire service. I avoided taking communion in mass thereafter like a 4-year-old would avoid eating vegetables. Somehow eating the body and blood of Christ was never appealing to me.

7) The most religious experience my mother introduced me to was the album “Jesus Christ Superstar” My brother and I at age 8 and 12 memorized the words to these songs and ran around singing happily to this record. I saw the film much later in high school. It did not bring me back to the church but gave me a greater respect for the stories that going to Sunday Mass had turned me off to.

8) I love the idea of finding community in faith, a church or religion – but have always felt more ostracized by all of these things than welcomed. I have felt more at home and welcomed in neighborhoods I’ve lived in, friend’s homes for dinner, movie theaters full of other science fiction fans, classrooms that I’ve taught in and group yoga mediations. (to name just a few of the many positive and uplifting community experiences I’ve experienced)

9) I often have lied when someone would ask me if I believed in God. I told them yes to avoid any long-winded converting conversations that may come after if I told them I didn’t believe. (is this a double sin if you are lying and not believing in God?)

10) And last but not least, I procrastinated this weeks task of reading the first 11 chapters of Genesis through. I just sat down and read it (did it twice actually). And somehow I still don’t really understand it fully. Do I need to relive my CCD classes?

Maybe I need to read the chapters through at least once more with a few more chapters for context? I know that these are ancient stories to help us come closer to translating the genesis of the earth and our lives but am finding it hard to translate to our current times. I am grasping little in this right now that relates to or adds to my already strong sense of personal faith, and guidance that I believe is necessary to move through the world. I will however remain open and will read further. There is always something to gain from processing how others around you navigate the world. Like the moth to the fire. The flame can lead the moth to a blinding enlightening experience or it can lead to a fiery end . If we are alert and make our own decisions there is nothing wrong with following our own path to knowledge.

3/7/14

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no gospel here

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Wow. Jesus! were my first words in response to this month’s chapter. The Trinity Task? The Bible? Talk about taking me out of my comfort zone! I am being asked to get down with GOD this month and read the Holy book. I have to admit, I was quite surprised with this existential challenge and even more mystified that it came from my most sarcastic, cynical and atheist friend from high school that hung out with me in cemeteries and played in garage bands. This serious, sensitive and carefully laid out month came out of the same mind that also created the darkest, funniest and foreboding poems, as well as kooky cartoon creatures (including my favorite – the vampire balloon). My history with Seth ensures me that I am in good hands this March. I trust his instinct and have faith that this experiment can only bring some sort of new enlightenment.

Unlike Seth, I identify as an agnostic. I am more comfortable with the fact that we just may never know or prove that a GOD exists. I choose not to believe that we all will be going to heaven or hell someday after living our last day and taking our last breaths. Yet I do not rule out the possibility of the existence of a God, our higher selves or universal energy source of some kind. Let’s just say my personal spiritual practice has taken its own path and has grown exponentially over the past few years wandering on its own course without a compass, text, or church for it to live in. Although I prefer and have enjoyed the organic personal journey that I have been on. I welcome the opportunity to put my personal ideas and philosophies into context with others. Sitting down to read and examine others philosophies only helps to validate, strengthen or break down my own beliefs and values.

For most of my adult life, I have kept my religious beliefs (or non-beliefs) to myself. The only real strong belief that I religiously preach is that I believe everyone is entitled to their belief systems and/or truths. The only vows I make are not to push my own understanding on someone else and not to judge another who believes differently from me. Preaching and judging, often go hand in hand when it comes to religion or just about anything. I find that doing either of these things to be a waste of time. We ultimately cannot change others. I will not use my energy or time to try to do so.

With that said, this does not mean however that I am not open to sharing my thoughts, opinions and feelings on the topic of faith, religion and spirituality. This will be the first and possibly the only time that I will openly make my beliefs public so I will preface the month’s writings by saying please take my opinions or leave them. It’s no gospel here!

Ok here we go, week one: The Old Testament, Genesis Chapters 1 -11. With a coconut and rum drink in one hand and the Holy Bible in the other, nestled into a comfy Sunday afternoon spot, I began my first Bible study session. To start off on the right foot, I recited Seth’s highlighted John Cage quote “If something is boring after two minutes, try it for four” said a quick prayer that I would find something useful in this centuries old doctrine.

3/5/14

Just finding this blog today? Read the prologue for more details on what Living Chapters is all about. Check out the Chapter Summaries Page to get caught up to date.

chapter 9

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Spirituality/Existential

Preface: My Bias

I’m an atheist. I’ve been an atheist since my early teens. My arrival at this position was a combination of growing up in the Catholic Church and finding logical flaws in many of the arguments purported in Sunday Mass; spending a year reading the Bible from Genesis to Revelations as well as biblical scholarship; developing an interest in science, history, and philosophy; and my growing uneasiness with the idea of a personal, loving God existing concurrently with the reality of evil in the world. Over the years, my position has matured but the basic core of my beliefs has remained constant: there is a serious lack of evidence to support the existence of God. Or as Bertrand Russell stated, when asked what he would say to God if confronted with him: “God, why did you make the evidence for your existence so insufficient?”

That being said, why would I volunteer to participate in the chapter on spirituality? Despite my lack of belief in all things supernatural, religion and other manifestations of spirituality have always been a topic of interest for me. One aspect of religion that I consider important to the development of a person (though it is not the exclusive dominion of religion) is quiet meditative introspection (i.e. prayer). That is not to say that community is not as important, but whereas prior chapters (September excluded) have been more outwardly expressive, I wanted this chapter on spirituality to be more internally reflective and self-examining.

The Task: The Trinity

Reflection through study: I’ve provided a selection of religious texts for you to read to provide you with a diverse though extremely limited introduction to religion and how people of a spiritual worldview translate their feelings into words. Even though this is not a comprehensive survey of world religious texts, I’ve tried to represent both Western and Eastern religious traditions and I think these are all important texts to read. (I encourage you to read further.) Write and reflect on what you are reading.

Week 1: Old Testament – Genesis (read Chapters 1-11)
Week 2: New Testament – The Revelation of John
Week 3: Taoism – Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu
Week 4: Buddhism – Silence by John Cage (read Lecture on Nothing & Lecture on Something)

*A note on my selection of texts: In regards to the biblical readings, excluding the Christ story, Genesis and Revelations are, in my opinion, the two most influential Books of the Bible. The Tao Te Ching is the most important text of Taoism and espouses an interesting theme of action through inaction. I chose John Cage to represent Buddhism, not because I couldn’t find a sufficient Buddhist text, but because I thought you might find it interesting to reflect on how an artist (musician) whose life and music was thoroughly influenced by Buddhism translated his spirituality into thoughts and words. I also encourage you to listen to his works to capture the full experience.

Reflection through mediation: All religions involve some type of introspective practice. Whether it is reciting scripted prayers or quiet mediation, reflection on God, the community, and the Self are essential to spirituality. So your task is to set aside 5-20 minutes twice a day (morning & evening) for prayer/mediation. The form and location of this mediation can be of your choosing and it can change from morning to evening and/or day-to-day. It can be silent mediation in the traditional Zen fashion (as you did earlier in this project) or a recitation of the Rosary. Regardless of the form, this should be a twice-daily ritual. As John Cage wrote, “In Zen they say: If something is boring after two minutes, try it for four. If still boring, try it for eight, sixteen, thirty-two, and so on. Eventually one discovers that it’s not boring at all but very interesting.”

Reflection through participation: And so as not to make this chapter a completely introspective task, here is the community element. Community building and cohesiveness is an important aspect of religion, so your task is to attend one religious service this month. It can be a Catholic Mass or a Wiccan ceremony, whatever is available to you, and if possible speak to the participants about their spiritual experience.

Conclusion: Alpha and Omega

I hope whatever you cull from this month’s chapter (and this project in general) that it serves you moving beyond Living Chapters. Despite my own beliefs, I think there are wellsprings of creative and mollifying resources in daily introspective reflection. I don’t feel this type of mediation needs a supernatural or religious structure to be beneficial to an individual, but that is a path each person has to navigate for themselves. As Lao Tzu wrote, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” Hopefully, this experience and this project will be an important step in that journey.

Protagonist parting words: turning into a toad

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A few days ago, I woke up and physically could not speak. My voice was replaced with a raspy rough whisper that sounded kinda like a croaking toad. I struggled, not with sneezing, congestion or other symptoms but only with the loss of my ability to talk.

This silent affliction reminded me that I physically have not been expressing or communicating much of what I really wanted to say this month. Most of my time was spent listening, absorbing and creating spaces for others to play, dream, pontificate, and emote. My ego tamed for only a short few weeks and my literal voice had nearly disappeared! What is that about? I am taking this physical ailment as a sign that I need to get back to the keyboard, back to the work of writing and translating my experiences in my shared writing not speaking.

For almost 8 months now I have been inside my head wandering through this personal growth experiment. The writing process, throughout has come relatively easily for me. Writing this February though was almost arduous. Every time I sat down to write I wanted to go back to the actual experiment of “being” rather than spending any time trying to define what the process felt like. Writing took me into the thinking and away from the sensing that I was getting so comfortable with.

My lack of focus on writing might also have something to do with the fact that I have been indulging in my beautiful surroundings. I’ve been allowing myself to be swept away by the sound of the wind and the water up here on the hilltop island hideaway.

Or possibly it is because I took this month’s mission too seriously. Diving deeply into the spaces and places of another makes it hard to resurface into my own reality, place and timeframe. Transforming into another being, breathing their air, walking their path and feeling their emotions is an intense experience. Like Max said it’s hard to hold on to yourself when you finally have let go fully. And like Max, I also have felt such warm and positive feelings for others during this process that I almost did not want to return to feeling completely separate and independent. I didn’t want to lose the oneness, warmth and understanding that came along with “being” another.

So my lesson learned this month is that we all breathe and absorb the same air and water above and below. We just create our own paths and react to the external environments differently when we are separate from one another. We compare, contrast, question, and challenge the differences in another way of thinking feeling and doing things. When we spend the time to try to understand or embrace the similarities we can move together at a similar pace. Most of us only attempt to do this with a romantic partner or a family member. It is not easy, so we often fail and fall back to our singular separate ways – breathing the way we understand, walking at the pace we are used to and making our own voices heard over others.

But while I am in this voiceless toad like state still, maybe I can learn something by tuning in to “being” an amphibian. Amphibians actually undergo the metamorphosis of becoming a different creature in their lifetime changing from the young larva water-breathing tadpole to an adult air-breathing toad must be quite an overwhelming process? But just think how amazing that transformation would feel losing your gills for lungs. Could we humans handle such change? Could opening up to such change and a whole other way of life benefit us? Or are we all still scared of the risk and the outcome of being turned into a toad? When I was a little girl, I believed that some toads were princes. We only needed to take the risk and kiss them to help the transformation. After this month, I am once again a believer and am willing to chance it and test out the transformation process. Anyone with me?

2/27/14

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time…to give and take

writer reflection: February

February Wild Cards

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Hi Beth!

Here is my wild card for the Interpersonal Relationships theme for this month:

You are already focusing on “becoming” the person with whom you are engaging. The wild card for this month is to focus on a specific character trait held by the person you are engaging with. Name at least three traits (they can be from the same person or from different people). Think about the following questions per trait:

– Name the specific trait that jumps out at you

– Is this a trait that reflects your own character? Or is it a trait you wish you had?

– What is meaningful to you about this trait?

– If it is a trait you wish you had, what actions will you take to foster this trait for yourself?

– If it is a trait you already have, how does this trait affect your interactions with the world around you, including your relationships?

Write at least one blog post naming these character traits and discussing the questions above.

I hope you find this wild card helpful on the Journey of Beth Barbush!

Love,

aliza

becoming invisible…breathing under water

thinking vs sensing

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It’s been a week now into my new mission. While trying to translate the clues on how this chapter would roll out and follow where it might lead, I fell into some secret spy-training sessions. My trainer Grace has helped guide my path in the quest to uncover some of the mysteries that live somewhere deeply hidden within our interpersonal relationships.

this is the training book Grace uses

During the month of February many of us take the time to stop and think about the ones that we love, hold dear, and care for. We show our love and project our thoughts and feelings through plans, gifts, or words. But do we often show our love by taking the time to really understand or feel who that one we love is? Do we accept openly and unconditionally what they would like to receive and would like to offer us? Do we know how to truly listen?

What if we could hear, see or feel in ways that are outside of what we know? Would we realize that it is quite similar or much different from what we understand about ourselves? Be the person you are engaging with is the mission of this month. Have you tried it? Can this strengthen or create unique connections in our relationships?

Grace’s spy training sessions have given me some tools that sharpening my awareness and sensitivity, a first step in learning how to truly listen. I obviously can’t tell you everything that we do in our secret sessions but I will share some of the things we’ve been working on thus far.

1. Imagination/Visualization

2. Observation/Memorization

3. Intuition/Mind Reading

Imagination/Visualization : In this physical landscape of imaginary places, I am finding it easier to access my ability to let go of what “I think I know” to be true and I am becoming more open to seeing and feeling what may actually be true in this new place and time.

Imagine you are listening to yourself talking when someone else speaks to you. Is it possible to conjure a new set of thoughts values and viewpoints for a moment? Could I imagine that I am living in someone else’s skin, another body, working from a different set of circumstances? If so would I start to think like they do, feel like they do?

This visualization helps me to step outside of myself, allowing me to empathize and sympathize. It allows me let go of my own assumptions and prohibits me from projecting my own feelings about that person or the situation. Learning to listen as if I am the person speaking is a step toward becoming more open and accepting to what is being said whether I agree or fully understand it.

Spy Training Practice: Creating secret forts with invisible force fields using only the natural objects found in the garden

Observation/Memorization: Looking and memorizing through observation is another form of listening. A person’s facial and body movements hold so much information to decode. Are they nervous, relaxed, excited, calm, or curious? I find the answers in their foreheads, their eyebrows, their shoulder blades and hands. I observe and try to remember what it feels like to be crunching my shoulders or tilting my head or cracking a smile. I observe and remember their motions and emotions under certain circumstances or with certain people. Can I recreate a similar situation in my next interaction with them?

Spy Training Practice: Hunting hermit crabs and keeping them in captivity. Observing their climbing and nesting tendencies. Memorizing flying patterns of hummingbirds.

Intuition/Mind reading: Sometimes to do the best listening, I tune out all the sounds and clues that are right in front of me and tune into what is happening around me that is not always clear. Turning on my peripheral vision, I can get a feel for the outside environment. Is it cold, are there bright lights, is it loud, are there a lot of other people? How is the wing blowing? What in the environment could affect the interaction with the person you are with? These observation skills come quickly and naturally after a while. Through these exercises, I am defining and honing my intuition. Being omniscient of all that is going on externally creates a sharper sense and clearer picture of what is going on internally. Without verbally asking or intentionally trying, this observation practice becomes involuntary and I naturally start to know or absorb certain information before asking or being told.

Spy Training Practice: Dodging golden orb spider webs in the backyard using peripheral vision and web sensing skills. Where would you live if you were a Golden Orb spider?

Practicing these new skills, pushes me beyond thinking and requires full on sensing. I must thank Grace. One week in and I am equipped and energized to dive into new engagements, interactions, and conversations. The quicker I dive in and sense that natural flow the quicker I feel connected. Now’s the time to put the training to the test. Time to come off this hill.

2/8/14

Just finding this blog today? Read the prologue for more details on what Living Chapters is all about. Check out the Chapter Summaries Page to get caught up to date.

mapping imaginary places

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I’ve spent many years mapping out my life, without the help of a compass or traditional navigational tools. Through pictures, drawings and doodles on Pennsylvania diner napkins and dinner place mats I plotted out my future days. Making lists of places I hoped to go and things I wanted to do, I ordered my scribbles in categories and columns, circling some areas and boxing in others. Then I would connect them with lines, arrows and sometimes numbers – ranking their priority. On paper these maps would appear to be intangible destinations or imaginary places. In reality my “maps” sometimes led me to specific places while helping me come closer to the goals I had written down. I believe that seeing my hopes and ideas visually on paper is the first step to making the impossible possible.

Creating these maps is not really about figuring out how to get somewhere or do something. It’s simply how I set my intentions, which for me is the best way to guide me to or through any new experience. Returning to the drawings or lists solidifies my goals and reminds me of why I embarked on the adventure in the first place.

Rebecca Solnit creates maps in her “Field Guide to Getting Lost” in the form of written chapters. Here in St. Croix, I am living out my chapters in a more experiential way. I am creating visual maps through photographs and written notes focusing on the intentions I set at the beginning of the year. Like the scavenger hunt I created for the October chapter writer, I am using hand written notes and a series of photographs to uncover the different treasures of the island. These photographs and written notes are my personal maps leading my exploration here. Below are my intentions set for each map created.

To feel at home with the unknown,
To learn and absorb new knowledge in new places
To explore uncharted territory

Map one: Feeling at home in the unknown – This month’s Wild Card Dave Schott asked me to take one photograph everyday that made me feel at home in my new surroundings. Below are some examples:

Map two: Learning and absorbing new knowledge – By taking notes, making lists, and making marks, I am starting to absorb new knowledge and ideas about the new environment around me.

Map three: Charting new territory: Often I feel as though I am in an imaginary place here. I have to stop, think twice and look again to understand what I am looking at. The images below map out the places I find myself in that feel more like waking dreams than living out chapters.

1/25/14

Just finding this blog today? Read the prologue for more details on what Living Chapters is all about. Check out the Chapter Summaries Page to get caught up to date.