Category Archives: Protagonist Post

in solidarity

IMG_8490IMG_6836

So I have been spending A LOT of time this month engaged in independent introspection through my own meditation practices, in my readings and in reflection writing sessions in response to the readings Seth has assigned. I enjoyed my alone time greatly but was open to testing out the shared experience of a community spiritual gathering. I was asked to participate in at least one religious or spiritual service this month. I was happy that I was able to participate in two. The two were very different in their own right and I feel as if I could have written a blog post on each as I had very different experiences and feelings about each of them, but as Seth mentioned in his initial chapter challenge this month he wanted this chapter “to be to be more internally reflective and self-examining.” My descriptions of both events will inevitably leave out some details as I am still examining my reactions to both experiences and may be able to write more about them at another time. Here and now, I will leave you with my initial observations – excuse the lengthy post. Both experiences were intense and full; I thought some readers might find interest in the comparison.

On Island: St. Croix Virgin Islands

The day before I left St. Croix I attended a gathering called a Women’s Bush Bath. I knew very little about what this process was, how it would unfold or what it was exactly for. But it sounded like a wonderful process to be a part of and a great way to say goodbye to the island for a few months.

The event itself happens from time to time throughout the year and is organized by one or more women who decide to initiate it. This particular one took place on a full moon Sunday morning. I was invited by a new friend on the island and was told to come only with herbs, flowers and an open mind. Oh and to wear a bathing suit. The gathering was held on a beach on the East end of the island looking out to America’s only underwater national park – Buck Island. The beach was virtually empty outside of the group of about 20 women who attended. There was a very open and organic structure to the gathering, but from beginning to end it lasted about an hour and a half. Women arrived with bags of wild flowers and herbs (sage, rosemary, thyme). Each woman greeted each other warmly as they arrived and laid out their beach towels in a circle around several buckets of fresh water. The organizer reminded us as we sat down in the circle to engage with those that we did not know (someone of a different age or a different race, someone from the island or a visitor) We were then asked to prepare the bath. Each woman from the age of about 6 – 66 was asked to distribute the flowers and herbs into the waters. Each of us took our turns scattering and dunking the bright red hibiscus, the orange and pink bougainvillea and rose petals, along with a myriad of other wild tropical blossoms into the buckets of fresh water. We were asked to put our positive intentions for ourselves and others into the water with the flowers and then take a short walk away from the circle for a personal moment of contemplation. We were asked to conjure all that is not serving us anymore – look at it directly and let it go. Upon our return to the circle a few prayers of gratitude and intentions were said over the water. Each of us were asked to call on a maternal figure from our ancestry to bring support to the circle and prayers of gratitude were spoken.  Each person was asked to focus on their special skill or purpose (a word or an idea that they felt they were able to give to the world)  We all spoke that word into the circle then one by one were bathed. Starting with the youngest and then the eldest in attendance, each woman took a turn dunking coconut shells, and flower pots into the water showering the (now warmed by the sun) fragrant mixture of herbs and flowers over the heads, arms, and bodies of each participant. After being bathed, each person bathed the next woman in line. Following the cleansing we formed a line by the sea’s edge and took in the view of the island in the distance, the sound of the crashing waves and the chants of one woman singing. When all had completed the bath we brought the line into a circle and said our goodbyes to one another.

For more information about other kinds of Bush Baths check out these links:
Jamaican Bush Bath
Herbal Bush Bath

Exactly one week after the Bush Bath, I attended a very different spiritual gathering.

While Inland: Harrisburg Pa

In an effort to understand or reconnect with my childhood Catholic rearing, I returned to the Catholic Church that I attended as a small child. I had not been to a mass for at least 15 years and had not been to this particular church in 25 years. Although I have rejected the teachings of the Catholic beliefs and the structure and formalism of the religious practice, there were few things about the process that I still remembered to be comforting. My Grandfather played the organ each Sunday and the colored stained glass windows glowed with light from outside in the dark building. I wanted to see if there was still some comfort there to share in.

I arrived early in the Harrisburg neighborhood where my Grandparents lived and started my Sunday with visiting their old house. As many things are when you return to them, it was a bit of a disappointment. The house now looked very small, the willow tree I remember in the back was gone and both houses on either side were empty. Going back to the church around the corner where my Grandfather played the organ was also a bit of a disappointment. I thought I would somehow have, if not a spiritual connection, maybe a feeling of nostalgia or warm memories. What I found instead was the following:

It was a cold wintry morning (yet technically a few days past the first day of Spring) Even inside the church I found myself still shivering. I sat in the back and watched as the pews filled up with people quietly filing in. There were a few kids squirming sitting in a separated section of the church reserved for them and 3 men dressed in long white robes overseeing the service on a raised stage in the front of the room.  The wall held a large golden-colored cross with the figure of Christ nailed to a cross. The colored windows that I remembered were now dampened by new blinds that looked strangely like bars on the windows.

The service started out with a reminder and request to focus on the sins that we have all committed throughout the week. “Remember what you have done and confess your true nature” were the words of the preacher. This was followed by a story of Moses and a lesson about what love is to each of us and what is should not be. We were asked to face our truths but only in an “appropriate” context. After this homily, we were reminded to donate to the church and asked to volunteer in the telemarketing plea for donations for the church. The upcoming Easter services were also mentioned (there would be an egg hunt following mass on Easter Sunday). This was preceded the basket passing for church donations. The blessing of the gifts were then made and the body and blood of Christ were consumed shortly after by the congregation – communion. In between homily and donation requests the congregation stood up, sat down, kneeled and prayed intermittently. Songs were read and sung from the prayer books and prayers were repeated in unison after the preacher had recited them. The final message passed on before leaving was about how following the “lamb of god” would take your sins away. “Let us leave you with the mystery of faith.” We gave our handshakes of peace, there was another hymn played and I left the Catholic Church for the last time as the bells were ringing in my ears.

Want to know more about Catholic  “Mass?” Check this out and learn more if you have not been to one. Interested in Catholic Services in Harrisburg Pa investigate for yourself.

3/28/14

Just finding this blog today? Read the prologue for more details on what Living Chapters is all about. Check out the Chapter Summaries Page to get caught up to date.

 

miracle and wonder

 IMG_8350IMG_8347
“The way we look to a distant constellation that is dying in the corner of the sky – these are the days of miracle and wonder and don’t cry baby don’t cry.”
– Paul Simon The Boy in the Bubble

  The Maestro has been speaking quietly to me throughout this project sharing songs in a subtle and supportive way to complement each of the month’s themes and/or challenges. This month however the song he chose speaks loudly and clearly to me. I wanted to highlight and share it. I have been listening to Paul Simon since I was an eight year old little girl. His mythical lyrics and primal rhythms felt more like gospel to me than anything else at that age and still ring true to me today.  I have turned to that album Graceland often in times of struggle or in times of happiness. Music itself has always been an uplifting or spiritual connection for me.

Alexis and Brian were spot on for reminding me that sound vibrations are a great tool for tapping into that connection – whether it’s in personal meditation or in community and group sharing sessions. I loved their beautiful description of what chant can be and how it can be so helpful in learning meditation: “the aural broom, sweeping away any thoughts and worries”.  Many prefer silence for meditation, but I find a constant rhythm, a chant, or the sound of waves or wind to be a perfect point of focus for a wandering mind such as mine.

And now is a time when my mind is wandering again, I am making another transition.  My days on the island have been full of miracle and wonder, but my time in St. Croix has come to an end for the moment. My last few days on the hill before heading stateside have been spent primarily in my backyard garden of Eden, listening to my Paul Simon gospel and building upon my personal mediation visually through images and auditory through practicing the rhythm of chants Brian and Alexis have passed on.  Spring is the perfect time for new vibrations, growth and change.  I am looking at this new season and transition as a new opportunity to make space for all of those things sprout forth.

These are the days of Lasers in the jungle – lasers in the jungle somewhere.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

3/21/14

Just finding this blog today? Read the prologue for more details on what Living Chapters is all about. Check out the Chapter Summaries Page to get caught up to date.

revelations

IMG_8185IMG_8181

This week I have been reading the New Testament: The Revelation of John, a series of stories written centuries ago offering guidance and understanding about our lives and how we should live them. This specific excerpt from the New Testament has not yet revealed any clear or illuminating messages to me. Granted, I only got about 12 chapters in struggling with the heavy layers of metaphors and ancient language and was ready to give in and get the cliff notes for the Bible (only $10 on Amazon!) Then a Living Chapters reader recently reminded me that these complicated layers of written revelations “were all written in a specific time-frame and oftentimes in response to a certain situation.”  She suggested that I “try not to take everything that is written so literal.” Basically my message from her was to lighten up a bit. Be open and have fun with this. She also suggested reading something more contemporary.

Well I have found it nearly impossible to take anything I have read thus far in The Revelation of John literally.  So instead of responding literally to the text I am reading this week, I will respond to the revelations that I am receiving myself this week through my own specific time-frame outside of the readings.  In an effort to become more comfortable and loosen up about this material, I will share the experiences of my current here and now. How am I reacting both to the external act of reading “John’s” revelations and to the internal act of creating and reflecting upon my own beliefs through my personal mediation practice.

Literature, philosophy and poetry have always been an inspirational way to reflect upon and come to an understanding about our belief systems.  Learning how others process ideas is a great way to validate or form our own opinions. One of the requirements from my chapter writer this month is to experience a spiritual practice with others in community to witness and open a door to new perspectives and insights.  I look forward to attending a service in a shared setting.  Maybe there I will find some translation for these layered explanations that I am reading in the Bible.  My preference currently though is to be open to exploring the new territory that is within me.  Our beliefs are personal and true to each of us. Right now I find it important first to look inward and be honest with myself about what my own truth and understanding is, what it may have been and what it may grow into.

My first choice of expression for sharing these revelations (and maybe my most fluent way of doing so) is through the creation of an individual visual language that can be read by many and interpreted in different ways.

This week I respond with a series of photographs. These images depict the experience I am going through here looking inward, validating and questioning my own beliefs and philosophy. They also express my feelings about seeking new ideas looking externally, in the shared quest for spiritual growth and knowledge.

Reaching out. Reaching in.

Do my images question what it is you see and believe? Are your beliefs based in organic forms? Are they based on a structure? Do we need structure for organic form to exist?  Do we need organic form for structure to exist? As in photographs, lights, darks, and gradations must be examined and come together in a balanced way for the picture to ever become clear.  This week I have had fun practicing, photographing and playing with the act of seeing all of what is in front of me, inside me and around me.

What do you see? And where do you look? Take a moment to explore around each window and door, you may find it as fun as I have.

3/14/14

Just finding this blog today? Read the prologue for more details on what Living Chapters is all about. Check out the Chapter Summaries Page to get caught up to date.

in the beginning

IMG_8121IMG_8157

Like this month’s chapter writer Seth, I was taught the Catholic faith growing up. (well partially). I say partially because my parents were divorced and I was only exposed to Catholic teachings when visiting my father and Italian grandparents on the weekends. Conveniently our visits coincided on Sundays, which meant I spent 50% of my Sundays during childhood in a Catholic Church and/or Sunday bible study classes called CCD. When it became my choice if I wanted to attend these rituals or not, I stopped attending both by the time I was 13. I am 37 now and have participated in little to zero other organized religious services or gatherings outside of weddings and funerals.

Reading the Bible this month, although strange to me, may actually come at a perfect time. As I said in my previous post, my own spiritual growth and exploration has had plenty of time and space to grow in the past six months. I started a meditation practice back in September guided by my first existential chapter writer and have continued the practice at my own pace and with my own agenda.

Here in St. Croix, I have had even more time in a very surreal and existential setting to ponder even more my connections to the environment and the people around me (Chapter 7 and Chapter 8). Thinking about the connections between it all inevitably has led me back to the overall existential questions about God and faith. But I must admit, even just picking up the physical book “The HOLY BIBLE” is giving me flashbacks of being a kid and dreading the oddness and confinement that I felt when attending Sunday mass.

The one thing I probably do agree with from my Catholic teachings is that confessing or being honest about things you’ve been hiding, or holding back can sometimes feel really refreshing. (As long as it is NOT in a small dark closet and to a stranger behind a wooden wall! That is just scarring not sin-relieving) So with my Catholic background in mind let’s start out this month with my top 10 confessions(in no particular order) about my religious experiences now and then.

1) I have never read the Holy Bible: Its true. At least I don’t remember ever reading it. Maybe I read a bit back in CCD bible study classes as a kid but if I did, I blocked this out of my memory. And my only experience with Genesis was rocking out to Phil Collins and Peter Gabriel with my brother in the 80’s. I also blocked out almost everything else about CCD except the fact that I got in trouble for having a Michael Jackson “Thriller” folder (that was considered unholy in my class?)

2) My father had to bribe me with Dunkin Donuts munchkins to sit still in church – this was the real motivation behind my good behavior during church.

3) My brother and I spent our time in Sunday mass gambling. We would bet each other our allowance money on guessing pre-sermon how many times the preacher would say Jesus, Christ, or Holy Spirit. The closest who did not go over won the bet.  This took our mind off of the echoing booming voice of the preacher and the somber and serious expressions on everyone’ face in the congregation.

4) I never (until now I just looked it up) knew what my “CCD” class name stood for. Now I know and it creeps me out a bit. Check it out here if you are curious too.

5) Going to Catholic mass always felt like a huge punishment – I dreaded it and was only comforted when I focused on listening to my grandfather playing the organ as he did on particular Sundays. (and of course the idea of donuts afterward)

6) Getting communion freaked me out. I cannot remember how old I was when I had my first communion (ceremony and all). But I do remember having to wear an awful white dress and crying the entire service. I avoided taking communion in mass thereafter like a 4-year-old would avoid eating vegetables. Somehow eating the body and blood of Christ was never appealing to me.

7) The most religious experience my mother introduced me to was the album “Jesus Christ Superstar” My brother and I at age 8 and 12 memorized the words to these songs and ran around singing happily to this record.  I saw the film much later in high school. It did not bring me back to the church but gave me a greater respect for the stories that going to Sunday Mass had turned me off to.

8) I love the idea of finding community in faith, a church or religion – but have always felt more ostracized by all of these things than welcomed. I have felt more at home and welcomed in neighborhoods I’ve lived in, friend’s homes for dinner, movie theaters full of other science fiction fans, classrooms that I’ve taught in and group yoga mediations. (to name just a few of the many positive and uplifting community experiences I’ve experienced)

9) I often have lied when someone would ask me if I believed in God. I told them yes to avoid any long-winded converting conversations that may come after if I told them I didn’t believe. (is this a double sin if you are lying and not believing in God?)

10) And last but not least, I procrastinated this weeks task of reading the first 11 chapters of Genesis through. I just sat down and read it (did it twice actually). And somehow I still don’t really understand it fully. Do I need to relive my CCD classes?

Maybe I need to read the chapters through at least once more with a few more chapters for context? I know that these are ancient stories to help us come closer to translating the genesis of the earth and our lives but am finding it hard to translate to our current times. I am grasping little in this right now that relates to or adds to my already strong sense of personal faith, and guidance that I believe is necessary to move through the world. I will however remain open and will read further. There is always something to gain from processing how others around you navigate the world. Like the moth to the fire. The flame can lead the moth to a blinding enlightening experience or it can lead to a fiery end . If we are alert and make our own decisions there is nothing wrong with following our own path to knowledge.

3/7/14

Just finding this blog today? Read the prologue for more details on what Living Chapters is all about. Check out the Chapter Summaries Page to get caught up to date.

no gospel here

IMG_8069IMG_8070

Wow. Jesus! were my first words in response to this month’s chapter. The Trinity Task? The Bible? Talk about taking me out of my comfort zone! I am being asked to get down with GOD this month and read the Holy book. I have to admit, I was quite surprised with this existential challenge and even more mystified that it came from my most sarcastic, cynical and atheist friend from high school that hung out with me in cemeteries and played in garage bands. This serious, sensitive and carefully laid out month came out of the same mind that also created the darkest, funniest and foreboding poems, as well as kooky cartoon creatures (including my favorite – the vampire balloon). My history with Seth ensures me that I am in good hands this March.  I trust his instinct and have faith that this experiment can only bring some sort of new enlightenment.

Unlike Seth, I identify as an agnostic. I am more comfortable with the fact that we just may never know or prove that a GOD exists. I choose not to believe that we all will be going to heaven or hell someday after living our last day and taking our last breaths. Yet I do not rule out the possibility of the existence of a God, our higher selves or universal energy source of some kind. Let’s just say my personal spiritual practice has taken its own path and has grown exponentially over the past few years wandering on its own course without a compass, text, or church for it to live in. Although I prefer and have enjoyed the organic personal journey that I have been on. I welcome the opportunity to put my personal ideas and philosophies into context with others. Sitting down to read and examine others philosophies only helps to validate, strengthen or break down my own beliefs and values.

For most of my adult life, I have kept my religious beliefs (or non-beliefs) to myself. The only real strong belief that I religiously preach is that I believe everyone is entitled to their belief systems and/or truths. The only vows I make are not to push my own understanding on someone else and not to judge another who believes differently from me. Preaching and judging, often go hand in hand when it comes to religion or just about anything. I find that doing either of these things to be a waste of time. We ultimately cannot change others. I will not use my energy or time to try to do so.

With that said, this does not mean however that I am not open to sharing my thoughts, opinions and feelings on the topic of faith, religion and spirituality. This will be the first and possibly the only time that I will openly make my beliefs public so I will preface the month’s writings by saying please take my opinions or leave them. It’s no gospel here!

Ok here we go, week one: The Old Testament, Genesis Chapters 1 -11. With a coconut and rum drink in one hand and the Holy Bible in the other, nestled into a comfy Sunday afternoon spot, I began my first Bible study session.  To start off on the right foot, I recited Seth’s highlighted John Cage quote “If something is boring after two minutes, try it for four” said a quick prayer that I would find something useful in this centuries old doctrine.

3/5/14

Just finding this blog today? Read the prologue for more details on what Living Chapters is all about. Check out the Chapter Summaries Page to get caught up to date.

Protagonist parting words: turning into a toad

IMG_7971

A few days ago, I woke up and physically could not speak. My voice was replaced with a raspy rough whisper that sounded kinda like a croaking toad. I struggled, not with sneezing, congestion or other symptoms but only with the loss of my ability to talk.

This silent affliction reminded me that I physically have not been expressing or communicating much of what I really wanted to say this month. Most of my time was spent listening, absorbing and creating spaces for others to play, dream, pontificate, and emote. My ego tamed for only a short few weeks and my literal voice had nearly disappeared! What is that about? I am taking this physical ailment as a sign that I need to get back to the keyboard, back to the work of writing and translating my experiences in my shared writing not speaking.

For almost 8 months now I have been inside my head wandering through this personal growth experiment. The writing process, throughout has come relatively easily for me. Writing this February though was almost arduous. Every time I sat down to write I wanted to go back to the actual experiment of “being” rather than spending any time trying to define what the process felt like. Writing took me into the thinking and away from the sensing that I was getting so comfortable with.

My lack of focus on writing might also have something to do with the fact that I have been indulging in my beautiful surroundings. I’ve been allowing myself to be swept away by the sound of the wind and the water up here on the hilltop island hideaway.

Or possibly it is because I took this month’s mission too seriously. Diving deeply into the spaces and places of another makes it hard to resurface into my own reality, place and timeframe. Transforming into another being, breathing their air, walking their path and feeling their emotions is an intense experience. Like Max said it’s hard to hold on to yourself when you finally have let go fully. And like Max, I also have felt such warm and positive feelings for others during this process that I almost did not want to return to feeling completely separate and independent. I didn’t want to lose the oneness, warmth and understanding that came along with “being” another.

So my lesson learned this month is that we all breathe and absorb the same air and water above and below. We just create our own paths and react to the external environments differently when we are separate from one another. We compare, contrast, question, and challenge the differences in another way of thinking feeling and doing things. When we spend the time to try to understand or embrace the similarities we can move together at a similar pace. Most of us only attempt to do this with a romantic partner or a family member. It is not easy, so we often fail and fall back to our singular separate ways – breathing the way we understand, walking at the pace we are used to and making our own voices heard over others.

But while I am in this voiceless toad like state still, maybe I can learn something by tuning in to “being” an amphibian. Amphibians actually undergo the metamorphosis of becoming a different creature in their lifetime changing from the young larva water-breathing tadpole to an adult air-breathing toad must be quite an overwhelming process? But just think how amazing that transformation would feel losing your gills for lungs. Could we humans handle such change? Could opening up to such change and a whole other way of life benefit us? Or are we all still scared of the risk and the outcome of being turned into a toad? When I was a little girl, I believed that some toads were princes. We only needed to take the risk and kiss them to help the transformation. After this month, I am once again a believer and am willing to chance it and test out the transformation process. Anyone with me?

2/27/14

Just finding this blog today? Read the prologue for more details on what Living Chapters is all about. Check out the Chapter Summaries Page to get caught up to date.

time…to give and take

IMG_7916
“Time is our most precious treasure because it is limited. We can produce more wealth, but we cannot produce more time. When we give someone our time, we actually give a portion of our life that we will never take back. Our time is our life…..”
– Alexander the Great

This month, I have spent my time practicing the act of feeling more and thinking less. I have been observing others, absorbing and embracing their viewpoints, feelings, comfort levels, communication, and engagement patterns.

During this time I have learned to float on the surface of my own reality, becoming translucent and almost invisible while sinking into the skin of another. It has been a lot more difficult than I anticipated. Taming my own voice, questions and ambitions takes concentration. Its felt like a new form of meditation.  (One in which you can’t close your eyes in a dark room keeping out external distractions) It like learning how to meditate with others.  But isn’t that what being in relationships is all about?

To focus my efforts in this process, my wild cards Aliza and Lee asked me to specifically hone in on a singular trait from the individuals I have been engaging with. Is there one thing that is standing out about these people? Is there one thing that they have that I would like to embrace myself? What a difficult task to sift through and choose only one trait from the complicated and intricate personalities that I have had the pleasure of perceiving through this experiment.

The people who I have spent time with (whether they have been the few friends from Maryland that I’m living with or the new islanders I’m meeting for the first time) have been such gifts. The have taught me new ways of breathing, living, eating, moving etc.  Instead of choosing individual traits from each person that I would love to embody, I chose a shared trait that almost everyone I have interacted with has possessed. Generosity.

Generosity is defined as the habit of giving without expecting anything in return. It can involve offering time, assets or talents to another in need. Everyone I have spent time with here has possessed this trait in some form.  Each individual holds this great desire to give and share their knowledge and expertise. Whether it is about island history and culture or music, cooking, and gardening. In my time listening, watching, and observing my fellow island mates – I have been given stories, treasures, creative inspiration, intellect, laughter, food, and physical adventure. Each person has shared openly and I am finding that people are most happy when they are offered the place and space to do so.

It’s as if the act of sharing itself is the most important act that can be performed in our lifetimes. We utilize it as a way of passing on a how we understand or experience the world and in turn, sharing helps validate our own existence, learning process, success, or struggle.

Aliza and Lee in their wildcard post asked me to consider how I would adopt my chosen trait into my own personality. How could I adopt generosity? How could I put myself forth and give? Could I or share or teach my own experience? Looking back at my chapter writer’s initial requests, I realized that Max also asked of me to consider what I could do to for the people I am engaging with. He asked me to give back. In an effort to honor both requests, I spent this past week thinking directly about this task. How could I become more generous? I have struggled with this for years.

What are the skills and knowledge that I can share in return? Do I have something I can give, swap or trade for all the hospitality and generosity I receive?  I have never been good at buying gifts for people. I never felt like a purchased object fit my affection or intention in wanting to share or give to another. I always resorted to making objects, cards or experiences for people instead. In my professional life I have spent my time creating spaces for others to share their music, art, words, stories, and ideas by organizing workshops, teaching creative expression and convening dialogue events. The more I think about it, it really seems to be the best way that I am able to give back. Why not continue to create those spaces and places but on a more personal level?

I’ve decided to focus on doing this with others and it is quite simple really. I find that I can at all times give my good intentions and time to another person if I choose to. This is easily overlooked when entering a new relationship or coming to a new place. We often look at the new experience and ask “What can be gained?” from this place or person, not “What can we learn or give?”.

Can we spend more time learning from and giving to others, while at the same time realizing that receiving what they have to offer is an essential part of a shared connection?

Everyone desires, wants, and needs, different things that we can never fulfill or give entirely. The one thing that is always desired though is that space and time to share themselves. This can be given by anyone at anytime effortlessly.  Even if I do not agree or fully understand, I can make an effort to try to. I can set the intention of allowing another to teach me and then learn how to receive what the other is wanting me to see, feel, or experience.

Offering another the time to be themselves and share what it is that they want to give helps to validate their experience.  It creates a space in which they are accepted fully with support and without judgment. Isn’t that the ultimate form of generosity? I thank Max, Aliza, and Lee for helping me to recognize and strive for that this month.

2/25/14

Just finding this blog today? Read the prologue for more details on what Living Chapters is all about. Check out the Chapter Summaries Page to get caught up to date.

becoming invisible…breathing under water

IMG_7505IMG_7540

snorkel portrait by: Grace Lichtner

The more I test out the waters of this month’s mission, the more I realize that I am still just skimming the surface. There is so much to learn under each layer of this task. I am taking my time though allowing myself to sink in, trying on new skins and breathing in unfamiliar patterns. I am finding it both uncomfortable yet sometimes surprisingly helpful and illuminating.

I have been practicing the suspension of my own beliefs and understanding of the world. I’m letting go of what I know to be true for a moment and learning about other people’s truths, hopes, fears and dreams. Experiencing these vantage points, or perspectives has proved to be a worthwhile adventure.

It’s hard to explain the exact different ideas and revelations that I am having with this experience without talking about the specific people who I am spending time with and interacting with. However I feel that its important to refrain from revealing any personal information about anyone else other than myself on this blog, so I will try to describe in a physical sense what it feels like to practice diving into to someone else’s territory.

As I said before, I am taking things slow this month, not rushing over or passing by what lessons may be learned from trying out this simple exercise. The best way I can describe my process is by comparing it to my recent snorkeling expeditions.

Before coming to St. Croix, I was not very confidant with my swimming abilities in the ocean. Being surrounded by unpredictable currents and a plethora of foreign creatures in the sea can be anxiety inducing. Even here in the crystal clear waters of the Caribbean, the wide open blue under the sea can be a welcoming or frightening place, depending on how you look at it. What is that moving over there? Is that beautiful creature a barracuda or box-fish, a sand dollar or a sting ray? Looking down over the conch shells, spikey sea urchins and massive brain coral makes me feel like I am flying over rugged surreal landscapes. In a place without maps, I use the coral reefs and the sea fans as navigational clues to chart my path below. I watch the fish swim in schools; they make me think of flocks of birds flying in formations in the sky. I often forget if I am looking down or up in this underwater world.

But I am becoming more comfortable! Each day, I’m less anxious tipping my head under and venturing in letting the colors calm me. It is certainly a different world under there but the more often I visit the more similarities to my world I find, than differences. I am starting to understand what the creatures around me are, what they do, how they move, what they eat. Instead of fearing them, I am respecting them and am impressed and intrigued.

Knowledge was not the only adjustment I had to make though, I also had to make some physical changes – the first being my breathing. In order to fluidly adapt to this new environment, I had to stop breathing in the way that I knew how to.

Every day I wake up and start to breathe and I don’t think about it. But wearing a snorkel mask changes a few things. You no longer can breathe in or out of your nose. It doesn’t take long to train yourself to breathe in this new way – but I must admit it does take time for it to feel comfortable or normal. I recommend walking around one day wearing a snorkel mask for a few hours and see what it does for you. Besides making people think you’re a bit nuts, it might help you focus on your breathing.

I also noticed pretty quickly that in the water, I had to change my pace and depth of my breath. I needed to balance my swimming speed, allow myself to float and slow my breath down. Gasping for air only left me with a mouthful of saltwater. And kicking furiously only scared the fish away. I needed to become more relaxed, fluid and calm, if I was going to properly experience this new environment. I needed to use my spy training skills stop thinking and start sensing! This is what helps me become invisible allowing me to float effortlessly and unseen taking in all my surroundings but not rippling the water with my own fears and intentions.  After all – I am only an invited guest in these waters. In a place as pristine as this, I don’t even want to leave footprints.

The snorkel expeditions have allowed me to, stay connected with my comfort zone, (the air-breathing world above) while at the same time inviting me to experience the water-breathing world below.

Now the only question left now is when will I be ready to stop skimming the surface? What preparations are needed to be ready to dive in fully. I don’t think any actual scuba lessons are in my immediate February future but if there ever was a place and time that I would be welcomed and comforted in the underwater and unknown territories it would be here in these beautiful virgin islands. I am finding St. Croix to be the perfect place to open the mind and heart to new ways of thinking, breathing, and believing. I am sure the next few weeks will help prepare me for my big dive.

Sending lots of love to all my readers and to the island of St. Croix on this Valentines Day!

love stx

2/14/14

Just finding this blog today? Read the prologue for more details on what Living Chapters is all about. Check out the Chapter Summaries Page to get caught up to date.

thinking vs sensing

IMG_3645IMG_3623

It’s been a week now into my new mission. While trying to translate the clues on how this chapter would roll out and follow where it might lead, I fell into some secret spy-training sessions. My trainer Grace has helped guide my path in the quest to uncover some of the mysteries that live somewhere deeply hidden within our interpersonal relationships.

IMG_7384

this is the training book Grace uses

During the month of February many of us take the time to stop and think about the ones that we love, hold dear, and care for. We show our love and project our thoughts and feelings through plans, gifts, or words. But do we often show our love by taking the time to really understand or feel who that one we love is? Do we accept openly and unconditionally what they would like to receive and would like to offer us? Do we know how to truly listen?

What if we could hear, see or feel in ways that are outside of what we know? Would we realize that it is quite similar or much different from what we understand about ourselves? Be the person you are engaging with is the mission of this month. Have you tried it? Can this strengthen or create unique connections in our relationships?

Grace’s spy training sessions have given me some tools that sharpening my awareness and sensitivity, a first step in learning how to truly listen. I obviously can’t tell you everything that we do in our secret sessions but I will share some of the things we’ve been working on thus far.

1. Imagination/Visualization

2. Observation/Memorization

3. Intuition/Mind Reading

Imagination/Visualization : In this physical landscape of imaginary places, I am finding it easier to access my ability to let go of what “I think I know” to be true and I am becoming more open to seeing and feeling what may actually be true in this new place and time.

Imagine you are listening to yourself talking when someone else speaks to you. Is it possible to conjure a new set of thoughts values and viewpoints for a moment? Could I imagine that I am living in someone else’s skin, another body, working from a different set of circumstances? If so would I start to think like they do, feel like they do?

This visualization helps me to step outside of myself, allowing me to empathize and sympathize. It allows me let go of my own assumptions and prohibits me from projecting my own feelings about that person or the situation. Learning to listen as if I am the person speaking is a step toward becoming more open and accepting to what is being said whether I agree or fully understand it.

IMG_7329

Spy Training Practice: Creating secret forts with invisible force fields using only the natural objects found in the garden

Observation/Memorization: Looking and memorizing through observation is another form of listening. A person’s facial and body movements hold so much information to decode. Are they nervous, relaxed, excited, calm, or curious? I find the answers in their foreheads, their eyebrows, their shoulder blades and hands. I observe and try to remember what it feels like to be crunching my shoulders or tilting my head or cracking a smile. I observe and remember their motions and emotions under certain circumstances or with certain people. Can I recreate a similar situation in my next interaction with them?

IMG_7478

Spy Training Practice: Hunting hermit crabs and keeping them in captivity. Observing their climbing and nesting tendencies. Memorizing flying patterns of hummingbirds.

Intuition/Mind reading: Sometimes to do the best listening, I tune out all the sounds and clues that are right in front of me and tune into what is happening around me that is not always clear. Turning on my peripheral vision, I can get a feel for the outside environment. Is it cold, are there bright lights, is it loud, are there a lot of other people? How is the wing blowing? What in the environment could affect the interaction with the person you are with? These observation skills come quickly and naturally after a while. Through these exercises, I am defining and honing my intuition. Being omniscient of all that is going on externally creates a sharper sense and clearer picture of what is going on internally. Without verbally asking or intentionally trying, this observation practice becomes involuntary and I naturally start to know or absorb certain information before asking or being told.

IMG_6893

Spy Training Practice: Dodging golden orb spider webs in the backyard using peripheral vision and web sensing skills. Where would you live if you were a Golden Orb spider?

Practicing these new skills, pushes me beyond thinking and requires full on sensing. I must thank Grace. One week in and I am equipped and energized to dive into new engagements, interactions, and conversations.  The quicker I dive in and sense that natural flow the quicker I feel connected. Now’s the time to put the training to the test.  Time to come off this hill.

2/8/14

Just finding this blog today? Read the prologue for more details on what Living Chapters is all about. Check out the Chapter Summaries Page to get caught up to date.

out of my shell and into another

IMG_6699IMG_7118

It’s been a solid seven months of intense introspective work living out the chapters, that my friends have so beautifully written. Focusing on my environment and new surroundings last month was a great first step in pulling me out of my head and back into the physical world. I spent a heck of a lot of time hanging out with rocks, sea shells, ocean waves and hermit crabs last month (which in my opinion is NOT a bad thing) but I am thankful for the “interpersonal relationship” change of theme this month and Max’s suggestion of focusing on being with others and engaging with people in this eighth chapter. This truly is my comfort zone and I welcome the opportunity to dive back in to play with both the people as well as the fish swimming around this beautiful island.

In the few years that I have known Max, I have found that our relationship has helped to ground me wherever I am. He surfaces my own knowledge and skills and then pushes me to learn something new by exploring and observing my environment from different perspectives. He is an incredible wanderer, thinker and connoisseur of the world and the stories it has to offer. Just listening to him share his experiences sometimes feels like he is reflecting back to me my own past adventures, struggles or encounters.

This month he has asked me to explore what it feels like to “be the people” that I am engaging with. This is a whole other level of learning new perspectives. Could I, like a hermit crab changing its home, crawl out of my shell for a moment and move into another? And if I did, what would it feel like? What would it be like?

Be the person that I am engaging with. Woah…. How the heck am I going to actually do this? Will I attempt to take on others feelings? Will I do what they are doing? See what they are seeing? Think what they are thinking? Do I need to learn magic? Do I need to brush up on my psychology reading? Take an acting class maybe? I am definitely going to need a set of tools. Max said this was going to be simple and here I go making it complicated.

I was lost in my own head again dizzying myself with question, when out of the corner of my eye,  I spotted a small mysterious note tucked under a book on my bed.

IMG_7382IMG_7381

The message invited me to a private meeting held in a secret place in our gardens. It was signed “from your leader, trainer and friend”. Once again my island adventure partner and housemate Grace was at my side – pulling me out of my head and back into the present jungle that awaited each morning in the back yard.

As I may have noted before, Grace is nearly ten very intuitive, extremely bright and astute in her observation skills. She has taught me so much already in our 4 weeks living here. I was excited to find out what I could potentially learn today and dashed out the door with my camera, pencil, and notebook in hand.

I arrived making sure no one had followed. Secret meeting places need to stay secret ya know. I arrived and found her waiting for me with a small black book in hand and a mischievous look in her eye. “Whats on the agenda?” I asked. “Spy training” she replied.

I was immediately intrigued, crawled in between the sticks and branches sat down and started taking notes. Secret spy training? Of course! This was exactly what would provide me the needed skills to accomplish Max’s mission.

2/4/14

Just finding this blog today? Read the prologue for more details on what Living Chapters is all about. Check out the Chapter Summaries Page to get caught up to date.